In Memory of Baby Sam...

It's taken me a week to even THINK about typing this blog. I'm sure it will get 'saved as draft' many times over the next few days, but I will try to compose myself because I want to share this with you. My blog is kinda like my diary, but you can only be so transparent when you know others will be reading along. How do you share the saddest day of your life?

One week ago (Friday October 13th) I got home from work around 5:00 and took the pups out like any other day to check the mail. While I was leafing through the letters I glanced up to check on the pups and didn't see samson. Shiloh was right in front of me laying in the grass, but no sam. I started calling his name, turning full circle, and that's when I saw him. Just a few feet away from me, lying limp in the street. I think I screamed, mail fell out of my hands as I ran to him. I scooped him into my arms and held him like a baby. His heart was still beating, but the rest of his body was eerily still. I began to cry and look around, wondering what to do next. An older man got out of his white truck parked a few yards in front of where I had picked up sam an came walking towards me. He was shaking his head and kept repeating, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I tried to swirve and miss him." Everything was moving in slow motion, my feet felt like bricks and I couldn't move. Much to his surprise, I told the gentleman he needed to call my husband. He fumbled around for his cell phone and realized he'd left it in the car. While he went to retrieve it, I looked around once more and Shiloh caught my attention. I pleaded with him to stay put and began to cry even harder as I looked again at my precious baby dog lying in my arms. Why was I not paying closer attention, I asked myself? Why did sam wander into the road--he has NEVER done that before!? The man returned with his phone and I called out the numbers for Josh's cell. When Josh answered I attempted to compose myself, but my words came out in a rush, "Baby, samson just been hit by a car and I think he's dead!" Josh asked if he was breathing and I couldn't tell, he asked if I could drive over to the vet. I told him that I thougth sam was gone already, but I could try. As we were talking, sam slipped away as his body released what it needed to as his muscles relaxed. He went slack in my arms and I held him tighter and told Josh I would wait inside. He said he would be there as soon as possible (he works 20 minutes away in China Spring) and for me to go inside to get my phone and wait for him. I began to weep as I carried my baby inside for the last time. You see, sam didn't like to be outside for too long and would let me pick him up and carry him like a baby while I kissed his little head. It was almost too much for me too take.
I began to panic a little as I was worried I would loose Shiloh too, if we didn't get into the house quick enough. We made to the couch before I dissolved into tears again while I wrapped sam in a towel and continued to hold him close. All I could say was 'i am sorry baby sam, so sorry' as I rocked him in my lap. As calmed down a little I started to think of who was the closest sibling to my house and called cam first, momentarily forgeting it was Baylor's Fall Break and both of my brothers were in Plano. I attempted to call Erin, but her line was busy. Two seconds later my mom called to check on me. She was crying and so was I. I hadn't felt this helpless, or this responsible in quite a long time. Mom told me Erin was on her way and then handed the phone to Clay. Everyone was so sweet and understanding.

I called Josh as he was litterally pulling into the parking lot. He jumped out of the car and met me in the kitchen. We hugged and cried over sam. Josh is always the more level-headed one and it was somewhat comforting to see him start to grieve too. He offered strength and comfort, by his very presence. We sat on the couch and held him for a while until Erin got there. She too offered her comfort with a hug and tears. How horrible it must be to loose a child. I can't even imagine. No one can really comfort you, but there presence and love is enough---it has too be.

We decided to bury baby sam out back and had a mini-funeral for him Friday night. Pieces of his favorite toy (the famous pink & green bone), a rawhide and his favorite blankie were tucked into the box before we burried him. We smiled at the thought of him playing endless rounds of fetch (the ultimate game in sam's mind) in Heaven. I miss him so much.

While there is much more to write about how this has affected us. I will post this for now, or it will never be finished. Thanks to all who have prayed for us and expressed their sadness for us during this grieving time. Everybody kiss there puppies and loved ones tonight because only God knows our appointed time to join him in Heaven.